Why Do I Feel My Clock Is Almost Dead?

When I wanted to kill myself, I used to just wish it to happen, but I am sitting here, I see results that could determine whether I fall to my death or change my life now and have a chance to thrive. I am unsure of what I want. I want to become a better version of myself, but the other half of me wants to just be done. I am tired and exhausted. Does that make me a bad person? My future might be bright, but it might be full of more suffering. I don’t even think I will ever get the one dream I want. So, what is my future without it? If I let go and just gave up, what would I be leaving? My two beautiful cats? Ash has seen me through some of the roughest parts, but he’s just a cat, right? My husband? He loves me deeply, and I love him deeply. But without me, he could finally not be financially falling because I am a failure. And all because I am too scared and broken to take a chance. He could not feel my burdens, and he could feel free without me bringing him down with me. My family? I hide behind a shield to protect myself because I have been broken by them before. They would at least not have to deal with my being “over-emotional.” My friends and old friends? They would move on; I have seen them move on from heartache. I just hope they all will miss me. I hope that everyone understands why I gave up. I am weak and stupid for wanting to give up. I don’t know, but I am just tired of trying. I have been trying my whole life to get up and move forward. I know people would say you spend your whole life doing that, but that is bullshit. Life isn’t supposed to be that. You are supposed to be happy and feel amazing. So, how do I voice that I am not okay? How do I say I want to give up, and I am done being here? How do I voice that I have not healed? I just cover every wound with a band-aid. I never actually clean it. I AM NOT OKAY!!!!!! I AM NOT MENTALLY OR PHYSICALLY OKAY!!!!! I AM SO TIRED!!!!! I AM DONE TRYING!!!! I AM SORRY!!!! I NEED MORE HELP!!!!