The Pain Of First Love

“N” was a love that hurt so badly when it was gone. He made me feel like a better person for a long time. He cared about my health and always made me want to improve myself. But I let that good side of him cover the side that tore me to pieces. I remember our breakup so clearly. It was long and painful.

Even though “N” was a horrible partner, he did have his kind nature. He paid attention to the strangest things. He noted all the things that I loved about him and things that upset me on paper. And when he showed me that paper, I couldn't believe the person who had hurt me so much still cared for me. I saw the tears run down his face. It was the last moment I saw the person I had once fallen in love with. The way he looked at me, knowing he had fucked up too much. In that moment, he and I noticed that the people we were before were no longer there. He saw in that moment that he had destroyed the girl who was happy and healing. He squashed the pretty girl he fell in love with.

When he officially broke up with me, I remember the pain I felt in my chest. Yes, I was just seventeen years old, but that girl was a woman. I had let that boy take every part of the girl I was away, and then he left. The events after “N” were the mourning seasons. I had to mourn the boy I fell deeply for. The pretty brown curly-haired boy. The boy with brown eyes, I could get lost in. The best friend that I went on hikes with and lay in soccer fields looking at the clouds. The smile that was on his face when he first fell in love is burned into my brain forever. I mourned him for a long time. It wasn’t until I lost every part of myself from before him that I was officially able to move forward.

Sincerely, R.R.