The Others

After “N,” the boys I was with were just the means to the end of who I was after him. “K” was a gentle soul stuck in a body of addictions. He loved me so hard, we were twins. When I left him, I felt the pain he went through. We were connected. I thought I could love the person in front of me fully, but it was sadly not possible. The twin in front of me was a complete monster. He wasn’t the gentle soul anymore. The addiction radiated off him. The abuse from the addiction hurt so much. I never thought that I could hurt anymore, but I did. History repeated itself. I was back in that dark place.

The boy who followed took the last piece of me that was left. I was gone, and there was no light left. “A” tugged me back and forth so much I couldn’t tell right from wrong anymore. I was so broken and had no more love left in me. I couldn’t even love myself anymore. I felt I was the problem, and I was the disappointment. The words the boys shoved in my head repeatedly finally stayed. I truly believed I was not worth it. When I finally broke and gave up, he turned and said I was selfish and that I attempted it because of him. He made a moment that is self-isolated, all about himself. I looked at the boy in front of me and noticed it wasn’t “N.” He wouldn’t have let me fall this far. He cared for my mental health. The person I loved was not there. I was alone, and I had no love left. I was not safe anymore; I was never secure.

So, when people ask why I always feel like a failure, that is why. It is all my brain was told.

Sincerely, R.R.