The Chapters Of My Lows

Sometimes, when I'm really low in my moods, I think about what the world would be like if I died. I think about how everyone around me would react. My mother and father are crying, not understanding what went wrong. My middle sister is falling apart. My oldest sister wishes she had spent more time with me. My brother wishes he were closer to me. My husband going numb. My cats are wondering what happened to me. My grandparents would die of heartache. It's crazy how I think sometimes. And when I think about it, I'm numb. I've planned out exactly how I would die in that scenario. I would die from being so depressed. I would die in my sleep. Close my eyes and never wake up. But I wouldn’t sleep in my bed. I would go to my safe place and watch as the sun goes down, and just sleep and never wake up. I know most people who are suicidal don't think like that. They usually want to hurt themselves dramatically. But I have tried that shit. It doesn't work. So, I want to go to sleep and never wake up. I don't want to feel the pain. I just want it to be over. 

My funeral would be peaceful. I would be cremated. I would have pictures everywhere. All the "good memories," but then I would want someone to speak of how low I was. I don't want them to talk about how joyful I was. I would still be alive if I were joyful. The joy was just a mask for what was truly there. I would want everyone to wear blue. I don't like black at funerals. Blue is a better sad color. I want my ashes to spread in a few places, and the rest given to my husband and middle sister. The first place would be my safe place. The second would be either in Alaska or Iceland when the Aurora Borealis is at its prime. I want my soul to be in the lights. The third would be saved to be spread with my cats. They are my heart. I know my husband would hold his half close to him until he dies. My sister would cry a lot, holding her half. I know this is such a dark thought. But it's my thoughts. It's what I think about in the middle of the night when I can't sleep. It is my mind.