Depression is an Addiction

I miss who I was. I rushed so quickly to adulthood, I forgot that I can’t go back. I am mourning her every day. Each day I am moving farther away from her. I wish I could just go back to viewing it all over again. I just want to hug her so tight and remind her to cherish the good moments even though it seems so dark. She had no clue how dark the future would be. I am in a loving marriage, but I am still struggling so deeply with myself. I find it difficult to show my happiness during the hard moments.

The depression has taken over my whole personality. I’m no longer the bubbly, funny, and sad sometimes kind of girl. I am a person who prefers to be alone in my room crying on a random Tuesday over being out and experiencing life. I’m supposed to be happy and creating memories with my husband. I’m not even sad about my marriage; it truly has been the one thing holding me strong, but it is all about the past that no longer holds a purpose.

This side of me wants to stay down in this hole of depression. I just want to be left alone, because I feel I deserve it. It hurts me just writing this. But depression is truly an addiction because I have worked hard to come out, but I end up relapsing repeatedly. I should expect this to happen when trying to heal the wound. The addiction wants you to believe you don’t deserve happiness or love. It is one of the hardest addictions to beat.

I feel I have disappointed everyone around me, but more than that, I have disappointed myself. But I don’t want to leave, it is comfortable here in this dark place, so just leave me here. Don’t believe for one minute that just because I laugh or look healthy, that I am better. Because in a second, everything can change, and I am right back down here in this dark place. So next time you see me, don’t bother me with phrases like: “Wow, you look great!” or “You look happier!” Because more chance than not, I am not those. It is all a mask to cover the pain underneath.

Depression is a god damn addiction that’s hard to beat!

Sincerely, R.R.